My debts as of July 18:
Chase $4109+ 2400 = 6509
Discover $3000
TOTAL $9509
I am so screwed. Chase sucks. I am going to pay the debt with $2400 first and then I should get some money from my mom (repayment from the money I loaned her) totaling to $5000. I am hoping so much she is going to pay me back. That would be a big substantial help. That would reduce my debt to below $5000. And that would make it easier for me to pay off.
At the same time, we are trying to save money as well. I am just so bummed right now. Our saving is up to $4300 now. In 2 more weeks, that saving is going to go up to $5000 or $5300. Then in a month should be either $5750 or $6000. We do have a lot to sacrifice though, I admit. I have to start cooking more often. I have to prepare dinners at home.
Saving money is not easy. I hate that mom is borrowing money for me while she is paying my sister $400 every month so she could pay rent in her nicer apartment, while she is not working. That doesn’t make any sense. She and her husband are building a condo somewhere and they are waiting on it to be built and in the meantime they live on one income. But they don’t have enough money to rent a bigger apartment so she asks my mom for more money each month. So my mom gives her money each month. I don’t get it. I thought once you are married, you are supposed to be on your own???? I want to say something but we’re thousand miles away. And my mom is not going to listen because apparently she likes it when someone asks her for money. It gives her more power and control over that person. So, a leech and a blood donor. What a combo.
I love my family so much except the fact that everyone is asking my mom for money. Everyone. Except me. And when my mom calls me, she always says, I am sorry I can’t pay the money I loaned from you yet but I promise I will pay soon. Then we would talk about something else and before she hungs up, she says, if you need money let me know. Ummm, yeah how about you just return the $5000. That would be nice. Then I wouldn’t in debt so much.
I am thinking my family thinks I live in a mansion with nice cars parked outside and a swimming pool in the back. Have you seen my house? Crappy little fixer upper we bought 4 years ago and we haven’t even fixed the kitchen or bathroom yet. We have no kitchen. It’s just a makeshift kitchen that we make so we can cook at least. I have cooking in that stupid little corner in the back of the house. I hate it. In fact, I wish so much we had never bought this crappy house and had waited until now to buy a house. We could have bought a gigantic mansion for the money we paid for this crappy house. But I am sure God has a different plans for us. I guess life is not always about daisies and lilies.
I want more money. I hate my job. I have not enough savings. And too much in debts. My life sucks.
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I am officially a business owner today. Yay.
I have my business license and sales tax ID number. I am on my way to entrepreneurship. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I have to believe in myself. I have to. This is my one way ticket to entrepreneurship. This is the only way out from my boring job. I have to make it work. I have to. I can’t fail. I cannot afford to fail. I have to make it work. I have to get it off the ground. I have to.
I have to keep on telling myself all these things to keep myself going. To keep myself from going under. To keep myself motivated. I want to succeed. I want to. I cannot fail. I cannot. I just cannot.
I can’t doutbt myself. I have to do this. I have to. I have to be able to support myself. I have to.
I’ll keep on working on my small business. I’ll keep on trying. I’ll make it a big success.
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It’s one of those nights. Alone and feeling depressed. I hate my job. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don’t know how much longer I need to be there. I hate it so much. I think about walking off so many days. I hate my job. It makes me misserable. It makes me hate everything in my life.
I want to cry. I feel so helpless. I feel like I can’t even help myself. I want to quit but I don’t think we saved up enough money yet. I wish I was granted a miracle. I need something to happen in my life. Something good. Really good. Something.
Everyday at work, I have headache. I hate the feeling. I hate waking up in the morning when I have to go to work. I hate the thought I have to be with the people that make my life so misserable at work. I try so hard to stay but everyday it’s getting harder and harder.
All I want is a miracle to happen in my life.
I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO WORK TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE MY JOB. I HATE IT SO MUCH. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
It didn’t happen.
I pray everyday. Wishing for a miracle. Asking for a miracle. Requesting for a miracle. Something to happen. Something small. It hasn’t happened yet. Now I am sad. I hate feeling sad but I cannot lie–I am sad.
Why am I not one of those talented people who seem to find ways to make money in a snap??? Why can’t I inherit millions so I don’t have to work about coming to my crappy workplace each day? Why can’t I be one of those lucky lottery winners who won millions?? Why why why?? I know things happen for a reason so don’t try to lecture me on that. I need to just get everything out of my chest right now. I am so mad. Beyond mad. I am mad at everything. I am mad because we have not much money in our savings. I am mad because my crappy work. Yes, this is the major cause of my unhappiness. I HATE MY JOB. I cannot stress it enough. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work and I hate it. I am dreading it. I wish a miracle would happen tonight but what? I can cry until my face turns blue and I will still have to come to work tomorrow. I wish I could stay at home or be like a stay at home mom when I have my baby. I wish I could be one of those lucky women who can stay at home with their babies. I wish my life would be easier. I want to stay at home but if I do then we won’t be able to afford to buy a bigger house.
I hate my life. I hate everything in my life. I want to be happy. I want more money. I want to stay at home. I want to open my own business. I want to do something I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! This is what I want for my life. I don’t want to feel like this everyday dreading coming to work the next day. I hate this. I want to be happy. I want to make more money. I want to be able to open my own business. I want to be successful like my mom. I want to make my parents happy. I want to make them proud. I want to make my husband proud of me. But I feel like I am on the edge. I feel like I am stuck. I don’t know what I need to be doing and I hate this feeling.
All I wanted was a little miracle to happen on Christmas… or new year’s eve…or new year’s day… but it never happened.
I don’t know why God is doing this to me. I don’t know why. I pray and beg everyday for something to happen to me. I don’t mean for God to magically send me a bag of money. Not like that. I want something to happen in my life. Something good that is so good it changes my life forever. Maybe more like a direction in my life. To show me what I need to be doing with my life. To lead me to the way. To tell me the secret to happiness. To be a better person for everyone.
I still want the miracle to happen in my life. The small miracle to happen in my life. Something good. Something that will bring me joy and happiness. I want to be happy. I want to be a better person. I want to make more money for my husband and my family. I want to be able to open my own business. I need the capital but how to get there??? How? I feel so stupid sometimes. We live once and I feel like I am wasting half of my life already. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I hate my life sometimes. Why can’t I be so smart like some people?? So smart they make millions.
Tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to say a prayer again to God just like how I do it every night. Except tonight I will honestly ask God to grant me a financial miracle to change my life. You know what? I believe God will bless me with a financial miracle.
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I have almost 2 1/2 more hours to go until the new year. It is time to make changes in my life. Good changes that will bring more lucks, joy, happiness, fortunes, true friendship, health, and love. I am done with 2008. The new year will be so joyful. I am going to be a happier person in so many ways.
In January, I will be starting sewing classes. It is 6 weeks long and it costs $85 for the entire length of class. The class will start on January 15 I think. I will be done by the end of February. Why am I taking this class? Well, let me tell you something. I have been wanting to learn how to sew. I want to make pretty things for babies and for women who like to wear pretty things. I want to make baby blankies, diaper bags, changing pad, baby bags, or aprons for hot all the mamas out there. I want to make them and I want to sell them online. As of right now, I am looking at etsy.com as a place to sell them. I do have my own website, which sadly, I hardly use actually. I might get to use that soon enough. So. Now you know why I am taking sewing classes. I want to learn a new skill each year. In 2008, I learned cake decorating skill that I enjoyed learning.
Financially, I would like to earn more money. I want to do what I love. I want to find my passion. I really, really need to figure out what it is that I want to do. My plan is to open my own business. As of right now, I am not 100% so sure what it is going to be yet. In a fairy-tale-ending world, I would open a baby boutique. Something that is affordable for new mothers. I will carry handmade items. I want to sell pretty things that mothers and babies will adore.
Year 2009 is also the year my husband and I would like to have our first baby. I want a baby. My husband wants a baby. We want a baby. I am 100% sure we are ready emotionally. I know my husband will be a good dad.
I have so much I want to accomplish in 2009. I want to get a new house in 2009. I really want to. I want something a bit bigger for our pets and our future family!!!!!
Here’s a toast to a Happier New Year!!!!!!!!!!!
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What a tiring day. Very productive, however. Today my husband found someone who was selling a vintage crib at a city about 45 minutes away from where we live. We called the seller and we went get it. It was only $30. It’s very pretty. A vintage crib with beautiful drawings on it. We need a baby mattress but I am going to wait. I looked online for baby mattresses and they are pretty expensive. A good one is probably around $100 – $125. I’ll put that on registry–LOL.
We also stopped by at this vintage shop and I bought a nice stack of used children’s books for $.25 a piece. I paid $6 for everything.
Other baby things we bought today: gently used cart placemat thingy ($10) and baby wipe warmer ($10). I bought them both at a second-hand shop for baby. They are still in good condition.
Tomorrow, I will be meeting with 2 people who are selling gently-used baby items.
My husband said he is excited for us to get pregnant. Well, I guess I am going to be the pregnant one but he will be as excited as I am going to be.
My husband and I went to Lowe’s to get some wires for the kitchen and some other stuff to finish closet projects. My husband finished installing my closet tonight. I have too much clothes!!!! I need to donate some of them for sure.
Oh yeah, my husband assembled the baby crib tonight. We put it in our master bedroom for now. That thing is huge. I didn’t think it was going to be that space eater. I am thinking our baby will be able to sleep in it for few years…Two years maybe?? I don’t know but I will keep the crib for our second (and maybe third!!) baby. It’s really cute. It’s not a convertible crib but it will do it for now. The crib breaks down pretty easily too.
Anyways. It is late now. I am going to sleep soon.
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I had a long and stressful day at work today. I hated it. I got home late and I was grumpy to my dogs. I was so short tempered with my dogs tonight. Good thing my husband is not at home. I’d probably get mad at him for no reasons as well. I think God is doing everything for a reason.
I hate my job. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much.
Tonight after dinner (alone!) I watched an old movie. It is called “To Keep”. It’s a sweet movie about young high school couple who got themselves pregnant. The family wanted them to give up the baby or to get an abortion. The girl didn’t do any of those though. She decided to keep the baby. The whole story was about the ups and downs of being a young couple with a baby. They realized juggling family, works, and schools were not easy. There was a point where they didn’t have enough money to pay for electricity. But in the end, of course, love conquered all the troubles and sorrows. The couple emerged from the bottom and together they worked it out.
While watching the movie, I thought to myself, what if we cannot afford to have a baby? What if something goes wrong? I am too stressed out at work to think about having a baby or caring for one. I hate my job. Shouldn’t I be doing something less stressful so I can have a happy and healthy pregnancy? I want to make sure the baby that I am carrying is healthy and happy. I don’t want to be too stressed out while carrying the baby. I don’t want my baby to be born into a stressful world. I want to have loving and caring baby.
Today, I thought of something at work. I want to work with my 2 good friends at work. They sit next to me but they are from different department. I adore them. They are my 2 best friends at work. I talk to them all the time. One of them is a supervisor and I told her to hire me. She said she would in April when one of her people leaves. That made me happy just to think about it. Maybe this is a sign from God that I have been looking for? God got me a job where I am now to bring me closer to my 2 new bestfriends. And maybe, God is going to show me a way to get that job. To work with them. I might have to take a pay cut. But at least I wouldn’t be losing my benefits and my paychecks. It is still better than losing a job.
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I am very happy today. We have decided to get pregnant!!! I am so excited. I know we don’t have much money saved up yet but I figured, we’d have at least 9 months to save and if we can save $1000 each month, that would be $9000 plus our current savings $4000 something. And then in March 2009, I should be getting a one-time bonus for about $13,000. So when the baby is born, we should have more than $20,000 saved. Aside from this, I know my parents are probably going to send me money for the baby as well. I am not going to count that now.
I am so happy. We will start trying in the coming weeks. I cannot wait to be pregnant and to be able to hold the baby. My husband is very excited to try as well.
Starting tomorrow, we’re going to get the house ready for the pregnancy. We will start cleaning up our future baby;s room. And I would like to tidy up the family room as well so that when I am pregnant, I have a nice space to relax.
Tomorrow at church, I am going to pray to the Blessed Mother Mary so that she will grant me a happy and healthy pregnancy. I am also hoping that she will also help me to find a way for me to financially afford to quit my job. I would like to quit my job after the baby is born. I would like to spend time with the baby. I want to watch it grow.
I guess now my husband and I will have to start saving our money for the baby. I was looking at target.com for baby items and everything costs so much. I am thinking we should get some stuff from the second hand shops to save money. I wouldn’t mind buying a gently-used clothings for the baby as long as they are descent looking. I have been buying lots of baby toys and baby books. I want to read to my baby a lot. I cannot wait. We are lucky our master bedroom is quite large. Perhaps we could put the baby’s crib in our room for the first few months.
I am just so excited right now. I hope I get pregnant soon. Then when we go back home in my country, I can share the good news with my families. Very exciting.
I cannot wait!!!! Starting tomorrow, my husband and I will need to start building the nest for the baby. Save as much money and enjoy the process I guess.
Please pray for me so that I will have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
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I cleaned up my locker and my work desk today. I brought home personal items I had on my desk. Some people asked me why I cleaned up. I told them I just felt like it.
I had headache almost all day at work. Just thinking that I have to go back there tomorrow hurts my heart. I hate that place so much.
I daydreamed about quiting my job today. It felt good. When I walked out of the door, I imagined that was my last one.
Why don’t I have the courage to do it? Why don’t I have the strength?
I hate myself sometimes. And I hate that my husband can’t help me. He does not make that much and I hate that. I hate that I have to drag myself going to work that I hate so much. It is poisoning my life. I hate it so much.
I hope God will find me a way. I hope God will hear my prayers. Millions prayers that I say every day.
Sometimes I just wished I could just quit and stay at home for a month or two while figuring out my next chapter in life.
I wish I could just stay at home and have babies.
I wish God would answer my prayers now. That would be the best Christmas present ever.
I wish my husband would tell me, ok you can quit your job we can afford it.
I wish God would grant me a miracle.
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Monday was the Immaculate Conception feast day. I went to church at noon and it was packed. I had to sit all the way in the back. I was glad to make it. It was my first Immaculate Conception feast day mass. I said prayers and thanksgiving to Jesus, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the saints.
There was something that the priest said on Monday’s mass that stuck in my head. He said, nothing is impossible with God.
I did not go to church on Tuesday. I went today at noon. It was very peaceful. Today, the priest reminded us about the strength of the Memorare prayer.
I happen to pray the Memorare prayer a lot. Every day I say that prayer in fact.
~~~
Today was not a so-good day at work. I have been complaining about my workplace a lot on this blog if you notice. My group is a dysfunctional group. I have a manager, about 40 something and single, who likes for us to stay with him late at work. Well, most of us have families at home and we can’t stay at work for 10 – 12 hours a day. We have a family at home waiting for us. For him, no one is at home waiting for him so time is no issue. He can go home whenever he wants to. Then there are couple people do not like the manager and they are not afraid to walk all over him. Yet the manager can’t or don’t want to do anything. And to make things worse, most people are negative thinking. They are dragging everyone down to the hole. I can tell you, I try so hard to fuel in positive energy to the group. And I am starting to wear out. I really, really, really want to quit my job. I want it so bad I pray every day and evey night hoping for a miracle. I don’t know. Something please to happen so I can afford to quit my job. I don’t want to work in a toxic environment. Those people are negative and I do not want to spend almost half of my day with them. It is poisoning my life. I am begging and begging and begging to Lord Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin Mary to please grant me a miracle so I can just financially afford to quit my job.
I am so frustrated.
I want to quit my job but I make more money than my husband does and it makes it harder for me to quit. I just want to cry sometimes. Because I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I really really want to quit. I really do. But if I quit I don’t know how we survive financially. We’ll be okay for 3 – 6 months but I don’t know what else to do after that.
I pray every day and every night. When I am awake, at home or at work, I say prayers. Constantly. Sometimes the prayers would make me feel better at work.
I often cry at night. After I pray. I don’t know what else to do. I have some ideas of what I want to do for myself but I need capital/money for that and I don’t have that right now. Which means, I’d have to save for a long while and in this current economy this most likely means to stay at my current job, that I hate so much.
I don’t know if anyone else know how I feel. My work life is miserable. I don’t know how many more days I can go on. I pray so hard in the morning before I go to work hoping for a miracle.
I feel like I am on a deadend. I can’t do nothing about this. Like I have no choice. Often time, I ask myself why do I have to stay at my current job? I wish so much I could tell my boss I quit tomorrow. I wish. This is the one wish I want God to grant me. I want this to be my Christmas miracle. I want this to be my Christmas gift to me from whoever. I want this so bad. All I want is to be able to financially afford to quit my job. I wish my husband was making more than me. I wish I didn’t have to think so hard about this. I have so many other wishes but only this wish I want more than other wishes I have. And I don’t know how to convince God that. Aren’t my prayers mean something?
I wish I could scream so loud for the whole world to know how I feel right now. I hate my job. I want to quit. But I cannot afford it. My husband is not making enough money to afford both of us. And I feel so stuck. Stuck in my work place. A place I have to visit everyday. Five days a week. Eight hours a day. I don’t know for how many more days I have to wait. I know sooner or later God will have to answer my prayer and find me a way.
I wish I could open my chest for everyone to see how much it hurts in there to be at work feeling miserable eight hours a day or sometimes more. To pretend that I want to be there when I wish with all my heart I was somewhere else. To fake a smile on my face greeting everyone else. To force myself to think positive when the rest of the group is drowning me down in negativities.
There were millions moments where I had wished I won the lotto. There was not a second where I wasn’t imagining myself telling my boss that the day after tomorrow would be my last day. And when none of that happened, I’d tell myself, there is another day. And I take the day one at a time. I thought things would get better. But it is not. And it hurts me more.
Then I pray some. For a miracle. Something to happen. But it hasn’t happened. Then I cry. But that does not do anything. Then I pray some more. To make me feel better.
I believe in God. I believe in Mary. I believe in Jesus. And I believe in miracle.
You may not believe me but I know with all my heart, a miracle will come to me soon. And when that happens, I will send millions thanksgiving prayers to God and Mary and Jesus and all the saints who help me.
And then everyone will tell me you’re a … one lucky girl.
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