It didn’t happen.
I pray everyday. Wishing for a miracle. Asking for a miracle. Requesting for a miracle. Something to happen. Something small. It hasn’t happened yet. Now I am sad. I hate feeling sad but I cannot lie–I am sad.
Why am I not one of those talented people who seem to find ways to make money in a snap??? Why can’t I inherit millions so I don’t have to work about coming to my crappy workplace each day? Why can’t I be one of those lucky lottery winners who won millions?? Why why why?? I know things happen for a reason so don’t try to lecture me on that. I need to just get everything out of my chest right now. I am so mad. Beyond mad. I am mad at everything. I am mad because we have not much money in our savings. I am mad because my crappy work. Yes, this is the major cause of my unhappiness. I HATE MY JOB. I cannot stress it enough. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work and I hate it. I am dreading it. I wish a miracle would happen tonight but what? I can cry until my face turns blue and I will still have to come to work tomorrow. I wish I could stay at home or be like a stay at home mom when I have my baby. I wish I could be one of those lucky women who can stay at home with their babies. I wish my life would be easier. I want to stay at home but if I do then we won’t be able to afford to buy a bigger house.
I hate my life. I hate everything in my life. I want to be happy. I want more money. I want to stay at home. I want to open my own business. I want to do something I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! This is what I want for my life. I don’t want to feel like this everyday dreading coming to work the next day. I hate this. I want to be happy. I want to make more money. I want to be able to open my own business. I want to be successful like my mom. I want to make my parents happy. I want to make them proud. I want to make my husband proud of me. But I feel like I am on the edge. I feel like I am stuck. I don’t know what I need to be doing and I hate this feeling.
All I wanted was a little miracle to happen on Christmas… or new year’s eve…or new year’s day… but it never happened.
I don’t know why God is doing this to me. I don’t know why. I pray and beg everyday for something to happen to me. I don’t mean for God to magically send me a bag of money. Not like that. I want something to happen in my life. Something good that is so good it changes my life forever. Maybe more like a direction in my life. To show me what I need to be doing with my life. To lead me to the way. To tell me the secret to happiness. To be a better person for everyone.
I still want the miracle to happen in my life. The small miracle to happen in my life. Something good. Something that will bring me joy and happiness. I want to be happy. I want to be a better person. I want to make more money for my husband and my family. I want to be able to open my own business. I need the capital but how to get there??? How? I feel so stupid sometimes. We live once and I feel like I am wasting half of my life already. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I hate my life sometimes. Why can’t I be so smart like some people?? So smart they make millions.
Tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to say a prayer again to God just like how I do it every night. Except tonight I will honestly ask God to grant me a financial miracle to change my life. You know what? I believe God will bless me with a financial miracle.
Christmas is almost here. I am so glad that I will not have to work on Christmas weekend. So glad. I do have to work from home this weekend but that is ok because I don’t actually have to sit at home all day.
My husband is working right now (at his part-time job). I miss him already.
This month is the last month I am taking birth control pills. Starting next week, I am stopping them. My husband and I are trying to conceive a baby. I am nervous. I hope everything will turn out okay. I have been taking my prenatal vitamin, folic acid and B12 vitamin (since I don’t eat meats) that my doctor prescribed me.
I have been looking for things for the baby. This always makes me happy. Knowing that next year my husband and I will have a baby. I am excited. I pray to Jesus and Virgin Mary that we will be blessed with a happy and healthy pregnancy. I pray so that I will carry a healthy and happy baby. I pray so that Jesus and Virgin Mary will bless me and my husband with a wonderful family.
I am very happy today. We have decided to get pregnant!!! I am so excited. I know we don’t have much money saved up yet but I figured, we’d have at least 9 months to save and if we can save $1000 each month, that would be $9000 plus our current savings $4000 something. And then in March 2009, I should be getting a one-time bonus for about $13,000. So when the baby is born, we should have more than $20,000 saved. Aside from this, I know my parents are probably going to send me money for the baby as well. I am not going to count that now.
I am so happy. We will start trying in the coming weeks. I cannot wait to be pregnant and to be able to hold the baby. My husband is very excited to try as well.
Starting tomorrow, we’re going to get the house ready for the pregnancy. We will start cleaning up our future baby;s room. And I would like to tidy up the family room as well so that when I am pregnant, I have a nice space to relax.
Tomorrow at church, I am going to pray to the Blessed Mother Mary so that she will grant me a happy and healthy pregnancy. I am also hoping that she will also help me to find a way for me to financially afford to quit my job. I would like to quit my job after the baby is born. I would like to spend time with the baby. I want to watch it grow.
I guess now my husband and I will have to start saving our money for the baby. I was looking at target.com for baby items and everything costs so much. I am thinking we should get some stuff from the second hand shops to save money. I wouldn’t mind buying a gently-used clothings for the baby as long as they are descent looking. I have been buying lots of baby toys and baby books. I want to read to my baby a lot. I cannot wait. We are lucky our master bedroom is quite large. Perhaps we could put the baby’s crib in our room for the first few months.
I am just so excited right now. I hope I get pregnant soon. Then when we go back home in my country, I can share the good news with my families. Very exciting.
I cannot wait!!!! Starting tomorrow, my husband and I will need to start building the nest for the baby. Save as much money and enjoy the process I guess.
Please pray for me so that I will have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
I cleaned up my locker and my work desk today. I brought home personal items I had on my desk. Some people asked me why I cleaned up. I told them I just felt like it.
I had headache almost all day at work. Just thinking that I have to go back there tomorrow hurts my heart. I hate that place so much.
I daydreamed about quiting my job today. It felt good. When I walked out of the door, I imagined that was my last one.
Why don’t I have the courage to do it? Why don’t I have the strength?
I hate myself sometimes. And I hate that my husband can’t help me. He does not make that much and I hate that. I hate that I have to drag myself going to work that I hate so much. It is poisoning my life. I hate it so much.
I hope God will find me a way. I hope God will hear my prayers. Millions prayers that I say every day.
Sometimes I just wished I could just quit and stay at home for a month or two while figuring out my next chapter in life.
I wish I could just stay at home and have babies.
I wish God would answer my prayers now. That would be the best Christmas present ever.
I wish my husband would tell me, ok you can quit your job we can afford it.
I wish God would grant me a miracle.
Monday was the Immaculate Conception feast day. I went to church at noon and it was packed. I had to sit all the way in the back. I was glad to make it. It was my first Immaculate Conception feast day mass. I said prayers and thanksgiving to Jesus, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the saints.
There was something that the priest said on Monday’s mass that stuck in my head. He said, nothing is impossible with God.
I did not go to church on Tuesday. I went today at noon. It was very peaceful. Today, the priest reminded us about the strength of the Memorare prayer.
I happen to pray the Memorare prayer a lot. Every day I say that prayer in fact.
~~~
Today was not a so-good day at work. I have been complaining about my workplace a lot on this blog if you notice. My group is a dysfunctional group. I have a manager, about 40 something and single, who likes for us to stay with him late at work. Well, most of us have families at home and we can’t stay at work for 10 – 12 hours a day. We have a family at home waiting for us. For him, no one is at home waiting for him so time is no issue. He can go home whenever he wants to. Then there are couple people do not like the manager and they are not afraid to walk all over him. Yet the manager can’t or don’t want to do anything. And to make things worse, most people are negative thinking. They are dragging everyone down to the hole. I can tell you, I try so hard to fuel in positive energy to the group. And I am starting to wear out. I really, really, really want to quit my job. I want it so bad I pray every day and evey night hoping for a miracle. I don’t know. Something please to happen so I can afford to quit my job. I don’t want to work in a toxic environment. Those people are negative and I do not want to spend almost half of my day with them. It is poisoning my life. I am begging and begging and begging to Lord Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin Mary to please grant me a miracle so I can just financially afford to quit my job.
I am so frustrated.
I want to quit my job but I make more money than my husband does and it makes it harder for me to quit. I just want to cry sometimes. Because I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I really really want to quit. I really do. But if I quit I don’t know how we survive financially. We’ll be okay for 3 – 6 months but I don’t know what else to do after that.
I pray every day and every night. When I am awake, at home or at work, I say prayers. Constantly. Sometimes the prayers would make me feel better at work.
I often cry at night. After I pray. I don’t know what else to do. I have some ideas of what I want to do for myself but I need capital/money for that and I don’t have that right now. Which means, I’d have to save for a long while and in this current economy this most likely means to stay at my current job, that I hate so much.
I don’t know if anyone else know how I feel. My work life is miserable. I don’t know how many more days I can go on. I pray so hard in the morning before I go to work hoping for a miracle.
I feel like I am on a deadend. I can’t do nothing about this. Like I have no choice. Often time, I ask myself why do I have to stay at my current job? I wish so much I could tell my boss I quit tomorrow. I wish. This is the one wish I want God to grant me. I want this to be my Christmas miracle. I want this to be my Christmas gift to me from whoever. I want this so bad. All I want is to be able to financially afford to quit my job. I wish my husband was making more than me. I wish I didn’t have to think so hard about this. I have so many other wishes but only this wish I want more than other wishes I have. And I don’t know how to convince God that. Aren’t my prayers mean something?
I wish I could scream so loud for the whole world to know how I feel right now. I hate my job. I want to quit. But I cannot afford it. My husband is not making enough money to afford both of us. And I feel so stuck. Stuck in my work place. A place I have to visit everyday. Five days a week. Eight hours a day. I don’t know for how many more days I have to wait. I know sooner or later God will have to answer my prayer and find me a way.
I wish I could open my chest for everyone to see how much it hurts in there to be at work feeling miserable eight hours a day or sometimes more. To pretend that I want to be there when I wish with all my heart I was somewhere else. To fake a smile on my face greeting everyone else. To force myself to think positive when the rest of the group is drowning me down in negativities.
There were millions moments where I had wished I won the lotto. There was not a second where I wasn’t imagining myself telling my boss that the day after tomorrow would be my last day. And when none of that happened, I’d tell myself, there is another day. And I take the day one at a time. I thought things would get better. But it is not. And it hurts me more.
Then I pray some. For a miracle. Something to happen. But it hasn’t happened. Then I cry. But that does not do anything. Then I pray some more. To make me feel better.
I believe in God. I believe in Mary. I believe in Jesus. And I believe in miracle.
You may not believe me but I know with all my heart, a miracle will come to me soon. And when that happens, I will send millions thanksgiving prayers to God and Mary and Jesus and all the saints who help me.
And then everyone will tell me you’re a … one lucky girl.
All the talk about the recession and job losss makes me sad. I am thankful to have my my job–though I hate it–and to have a husband who also has a job. I am so thankful that we can still afford our life. I am so very, very thankful that we have savings in our bank accounts. Our cash saving is not much but at least it will be there when we need it. I realized that we’d need to save more money.
We managed to save another $250 this week. That makes our first phase saving goal to $4892. I might be able to pull an extra $108 to round that up to $5000 for this week at least. That way we’ll have $1000 to go. My goal is to get to save that extra $1000 in a month. So by mid January next year, we should hit our goal of $6000 saving. Starting January 2009, I would like to start to increase our cash saving by $500 per paycheck, which will equal to $1000 per month. By April 2009, I am hoping to be able to be debt-free (except for mortgage). By June/July 2009, I’d like to hit the $12,000 cash saving mark. By late summer 2009, I’d like to finish our house renovation. How? I am not sure for now but we’ll figure out a way.
Every year, like most people, I always have goals set up. At the end of the year, we usually have goals for the following year. Good in the beggining but around March…April… those goals seem to fade away. So one of my goals for 2009 is to keep all the promises I make to myself to last through year 2009.
I’d like to take more but it is getting late here. I better go to sleep. I will have a busy day tomorrow–just like today.
My message for tonight is for each one of us to thank God for all the blessings we receive. We might think we have nothing but believe me, there are millions–yes, millions–others who have less than us. Thank God and you will receive more. May God bring you joy, happiness, luck, health, and comfort in your life; today and always. Remember to always to smile because God loves each and everyone of us. And that is the greatest blessing anyone can have in their life.
Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed are thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of god, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen
Tonight I want to say my thanksgiving to Jesus and the Blessed Virgin Mary for giving me strength and patience at work for the last 2 days. I felt that I was being tested and only through God’s presence in my heart I was able to get through the last 2 days easily. I am so blessed indeed. I could have said I quit but I did not. I felt so strong at work. I held my patience. Prayed a lot and I made it. I could not possible made it without the blessings from Jesus and Virgin Mary.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will face it with bravery. Like I said yesterday, there is nothing I cannot do with God by my side.
Tonight my husband is working at his part time job again. He is switching with someone from work so he does not have to work this Thursday as he was scheduled before. I will have tomorrow through Saturday to spend with him. Yay. I am so happy. Tomorrow is the apologetic class at church. I plan to attend. I love learning new things.
I wanted to go to church today to attend mass but I couldn’t since everyone left for lunch at the same time and there is always have to be someone there to watch the desk. So I stayed. I spent my lunch hour at the cafetaria downstairs to read the Bible and to pray. It was very calming and comforting.
I am going to go to bed early tonight so I can wake up refreshed and happy.
I want to be a happy person. I deserve it.
I had my work review today. I just started my new position almost 4 months ago so my boss couldn’t really review my work. I asked if he had any problems with me, he said no; I said ok. I asked what he liked about me (work wise) and he said my willingness to work with others even when not asked and my attitude; I said fair enough. I signed the paperwork and I went back to my desk. Before I left, my boss said to me, he never reviewed someone that fast and he said that usually he would have to talk long and short with whoever he was reviewing. I said to him, I like to keep it simple and if he had any problems with me, I asked him to talk to me directly.
Today was so bland at work. I had the time to go to church to attend the Novena mass but to my dissapointment, there was no Novena mass today???? They only had the regular daily mass. I stayed anyway. And at the end of mass, I prayed the Novena to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I prayed so much. I prayed so hard. I meant every word I said at church today. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I begged and begged and begged for a miracle to come to my life. I felt so much better for that whole hour I was at church. How I wish every minute of my life I could feel like that.
My husband is working at his part-time job tonight. I miss him so much. I had dinner by myself. And then I baked brownies. I watched an old movie by myself. I felt so lonely tonight. Sigh.
What is it that I want in life? What do I want? I don’t want a fancy life. I want a simple life. I want to do something I love or I enjoy then at the end of the day I can go home to my family–happy and content. I want to take care of my husband and my kids–someday. I want to have time for my husband. I want be happy. I want a simple life. I want to make money enough to pay the bills and have a little fun. I don’t need million dollars in the bank. Money won’t make me happy. I want the happy life. I want it so bad. I don’t want to go to work worrying about my happiness. I hate my job. I hate it so much. I want to quit but I cannot afford it and everyday I am dreading it and it makes my head hurts and my heart beats so fast just thinking about it. I hate it so much and God knows that. I tell God every night. I ask and pray for strength and each day I pass it I feel relieved because for that one day God has given me strength to face it. I am thankful for that. I heard at mass once long time ago, as long as I have God by my side, there is nothing I cannot do.
A good friend of mine from work was being let go a week ago. Actually the company bought him out. They gave him a severance package. He has few more years until retirement so I am not sure if the company gave him his retirement or not. He had been with the company for 10 years. I wish they would bought me out. Just give me a year or two worth of my salary and I’d be a happy camper. I’d pay off everything and the house and I’d work part time somewhere I like for the rest of my life. I think that would make me happy.
Life is a mistery isn’t it? You never know what tomorrow will bring you. But always hope for the best. I know I complain a lot about my work but trust me, I am so thankful for everything else in my life. I have a wonderful husband, I have wonderful pets, I have a house, I have good friends and families. I have my health. I have my mind. I have some savings in the bank. I am able to donate to those who are less fortunate. I am able to think. I am able to walk. I have a car. I can feel. I have my legs. I have everything I need in this world. My life is beautiful regardless my work condition. I love everything else in my life except my job. But you know what? I won’t let it make me feel down–hard to believe right??? Sure I feel down sometimes thinking about my job but then I think about something else that makes me happy. Like Jesus, or Virgin Mary, or the church, or God’s words, or my husband, my families, my friends, all the happy moments I had experienced in my life, my dreams…. then I don’t feel so bad anymore. I am thankful that I have my job to provide me with money so I can pay the bills and pay for foods for us and the pets. The money I earn from work has enabled me to buy foods for others who are less fortunate; I have been able to send money to charities. All is that because of the job I hate so much.
Lord have mercy on me. I hope Lord Jesus would forgive me for ranting about my job. He loves me I know and he would not let me suffer. I know He will help me to get through this. I will keep on asking the Lord to please find me a way so I can financially afford to quit my job. I hope the good Lord would find me something else to do. I don’t care about the money. I just need to be doing something I enjoy the most.
Recently, I thought about doing some missionary works in other countries. My husband thought I was kidding when I told him that. He asked me, what are we going to do with the dogs? Mind you, we have 6 dogs in the house (2 bigs and 4 small). I said to him, God will find us a way to take care of that. I seriously want to do missionary works. I want to tell others about God’s love. I want to spread that joy. Attending mass makes me happy. It takes away all my worries and sadness. I feel loved when I pray to God. I want to share that happiness. Not long ago, I was not religious at all. Few months ago, I could careless about God and now look at me. I attend mass regularly–sometimes 3 – 4 times a week. I attend religious classes. I read the Bible. I pray to the saints and Jesus and Virgin Mary. I am a true believer. God and the Blessed Virgin Mary have helped me SO much in my life for the last few months it is enough to convince me that God loves me. He will stand right beside me; holding my hands. Nothing I cannot face tomorrow.
May God pour His eternal blessings in your life always. Remember, when sadness and worriness creeps in your heart, pray and you will feel better.
The long weekend is almost over. It is Sunday–almost midnight. I feel like Cinderella right before the midnight bell rings–when she rushes back to her pumpkin ride. And she ends up losing one of her shoes. That is exactly how I feel right now. I am dreading tomorrow. Work. Unfriendly coworkers. Dysfunctional group of people. I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. I was praying for a miracle to happen on the weekend. Something. So I don’t ever have to come back to work. Sure I can tell my boss I want to quit. I can’t afford it right now. Not before the holiday. I might quit in April after I come back from my long vacation. And after the bonus time.
I am so sick of my work place. The thought of going back to work to my office makes me shudder. It is that bad. Everyday, I am dreading it. If I think about it, it’ll ruin my mood instantly–literally.
I don’t know how I last this long working at my company.
I need to figure something out before I quit in April. I am thinking of starting my own business. I have several ideas and I need to do more research on those subjects.
Sometimes I feel like I am going nowhere. I hate that feeling. I am 30 years old. I have so many things I want to do and achieve. I feel so useless. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. So stupid. I hate going to work but I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want to come back to work but I have nothing else to do in my life. I pray everyday for God to give me guidance. I have faith that Lord will show me the way. He will help me. I need that prayer answered asap. Because I have been waiting for so long. I know. I have to have more patience. I will keep on praying.
God loves me.
My mom called me over the weekend. She told me that my dad had a stroke. I was so sad to hear that. And I felt very useless for not being able to help at all–we live thousand miles apart. The only thing I can do is to pray for my dad. And I pray everyday for him. I know that God will hear my prayers.
I also keep on praying about my job situation. I know God will grant my prayer.
Today I had to retake a test at work. I did not feel like taking it but I had to. So before I took the test, I said prayer to Virgin Mary to help me. And she answered my prayer. She helped me. The test was not easy but somehow I passed it. I was so thankful. Tonight I am going to say special thanksgiving prayer to her for helping to pass the test.
Prayer is a big part of my life now. I can’t remember a single day I pass without saying prayers since I started attending church about almost 6 – 7 months ago. I pray every single day. I pray in the morning before I go to work in my car. I hardly listen to the morning radio anymore. Instead, I use the quiet time to pray to Jesus. At work when I am not too busy I say prayers. On Mondays, I spend my lunch hour attending Novena mass at church. Other days during lunch hour, I’d spend an hour at the cafetaria reading the bible and reciting prayers. I find comfort in prayers. When God is on our side, life seems simpler. And that’s what I like about it. Prayers give me hope. Prayers give me happiness. I feel like you don’t have to worry about a thing in the world knowing that God will always be there for you. When you pray, you think of God, Jesus, Virgin Mary, and the saints. I know in my life, Jesus and Virgin Mary have helped me a lot. Just in my daily activities, they always help me to get through the day. One at a time. I am so thankful for that.
I hope that more people will take time to say prayer even if it’s only once a day. Prayers do not have to be long and complicated. It can be so simple. Just like when you are thinking in your head. So simple.
Take a break from the hectic life and say a prayer. It will do wonder in your life.
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