Ok. I am a little freaked out to be honest. I am going to start a business soon…. from home–selling things online. I was so pumped out yesterday and now I am having all sort of bad dreams about the business that has not yet started. Am I too overreacted? Am I just nervous? Is this normal?
I have so much expectation with my new venture. I cannot fail on this project. I have to succeed. I cannot accept failure anymore. I have so much hopes on this new venture.
Maybe I am pressuring myself too much but this new venture is going to cost me some money so it better works.
I was feeling depressed today almost all day. I was thinking about work and all of the sudden my mood changed from happy to depressing. I don’t think I can last any longer in my work. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I just don’t know how to handle it right now. I don’t know how we can afford me quiting the job. I can sell my car and that will eliminate one car payment. Then we can get rid of stuff from the storage. I have to pick up sewing again soon. I cannot wait any longer.
I can start selling my handmade items on Etsy, my personal website, and also at the arts market.
My sewing machine is not working great right now. I am so mad. Now I am looking into purchasing another one. A better quality one. Something that can handle many sewing hours.
Ok I am sleepy and tired. Better go to sleep. Tomorrow is Sunday. I am going to church again. I went today and it was so weird because the message from today’s mass was that if you believe in God, and if you ask anything, it will be done. I don’t know why I cried all of the sudden after hearing the message. I knew God was talking to me. I knew He was sending me an assurance that everything is going to be ok. I do have faith in God. I have been praying everynight for Him to grant me a way so I can financially afford to quit my job. Something’s got to happen. Something’s got to work out somehow. I don’t know what it is but things got to be better. I have to find ways to make myself happy. I am going to start looking for another job. Keep my fingers crossed. Perhaps I can do part-time job and I can use the other half to run my business from home.
God, please hear my prayers. Help me please. Help.
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Friday night. My husband is working at his part-time job tonight. I finished eating dinner–leftover Shrimp and veggie stir fry. It was good. I ate it with plain white rice.
I don’t know if I am pregnant or not. I am anxious. I can’t wait to have a baby. I can’t wait to share all the wonderful things we have in this world. I cannot wait to take the baby to the park for a picnic or to play. I cannot wait to see my husband teach him how to fly a kite or how to ride a bicycle. I want to take him to the beach. I want to take him to the dog park. I want to take him to Savannah for the weekend. I want to take him to grocery. I want to do so many things with him. I can’t wait to teach him how to read, how to talk, how to be gentle to our pets. I can’t wait to bake him his very first birthday cake and his very first cupcake.
I can’t wait. I will pray everyday. Every time I have the chance to say a little prayer. I will pray so that my husband and I will be blessed with a happy, healthy, and beautiful pregnancy soon.
In the meantime, I will also keep on praying about my work situation. I know that the economy is really bad right now and I am hoping that God would be kind to me and would show me a way so I can financially afford to quit my job. I want a way. Perhaps, a new, better job. Or something else. Like maybe I’d win some money that will allow me to start my own business. Life is full of good surprises and I am sure I will get my good surprises soon.
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It has been a one long week for me. Tomorrow is Friday. Since I will be on call this weekend, I have to say I am not too looking forward to the weekend. I probably will take it easy. I won’t be going out much. Just stay at home I suppose.
My work situation hasn’t improved. Still the same. I am still dreading it everyday. Seems like an eternity my time at work. I hate it. Oh how I pray everyday begging Virgin Mary and Jesus to please show me a way so I can afford to quit my job. That is all I want.
All my other prayers have been answered by God. A friend at work asked me to pray so she becomes pregnant. I did and it turns out that she is indeed pregnant. I am so happy for her. This week another friend of mine and I signed up for a sewing class but the teacher was not sure if she would have enough people sign up as she would need to have 10 students in the class in order for the class not to be canceled. Today was the last day to sign up and 30 minutes before the deadline, there were only 8 people signed up. My friend called and asked me to pray quickly so that the class won’t be canceled. We really want to take this particular sewing class together. So, I prayed to Jesus and Virgin Mary. And 30 minutes later I called the teacher and she told me that the class was not canceled.
You see, Virgin Mary and Jesus hear prayers. I don’t care what people say I believe that they will always answer my prayers. Some prayers will be answered faster than others.
I am praying so my husband and I will hear a pregnancy news soon.
I pray and beg everyday so that Jesus and Mary will show me a way to afford quiting my job. I told them I would like to open my own business with my husband. I know the economy is tough right now but I know with God by myside, nothing is impossible.
I want to be happy in my life. I want to live a happy life with my husband and my future children.
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It didn’t happen.
I pray everyday. Wishing for a miracle. Asking for a miracle. Requesting for a miracle. Something to happen. Something small. It hasn’t happened yet. Now I am sad. I hate feeling sad but I cannot lie–I am sad.
Why am I not one of those talented people who seem to find ways to make money in a snap??? Why can’t I inherit millions so I don’t have to work about coming to my crappy workplace each day? Why can’t I be one of those lucky lottery winners who won millions?? Why why why?? I know things happen for a reason so don’t try to lecture me on that. I need to just get everything out of my chest right now. I am so mad. Beyond mad. I am mad at everything. I am mad because we have not much money in our savings. I am mad because my crappy work. Yes, this is the major cause of my unhappiness. I HATE MY JOB. I cannot stress it enough. Tomorrow, I have to go back to work and I hate it. I am dreading it. I wish a miracle would happen tonight but what? I can cry until my face turns blue and I will still have to come to work tomorrow. I wish I could stay at home or be like a stay at home mom when I have my baby. I wish I could be one of those lucky women who can stay at home with their babies. I wish my life would be easier. I want to stay at home but if I do then we won’t be able to afford to buy a bigger house.
I hate my life. I hate everything in my life. I want to be happy. I want more money. I want to stay at home. I want to open my own business. I want to do something I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! This is what I want for my life. I don’t want to feel like this everyday dreading coming to work the next day. I hate this. I want to be happy. I want to make more money. I want to be able to open my own business. I want to be successful like my mom. I want to make my parents happy. I want to make them proud. I want to make my husband proud of me. But I feel like I am on the edge. I feel like I am stuck. I don’t know what I need to be doing and I hate this feeling.
All I wanted was a little miracle to happen on Christmas… or new year’s eve…or new year’s day… but it never happened.
I don’t know why God is doing this to me. I don’t know why. I pray and beg everyday for something to happen to me. I don’t mean for God to magically send me a bag of money. Not like that. I want something to happen in my life. Something good that is so good it changes my life forever. Maybe more like a direction in my life. To show me what I need to be doing with my life. To lead me to the way. To tell me the secret to happiness. To be a better person for everyone.
I still want the miracle to happen in my life. The small miracle to happen in my life. Something good. Something that will bring me joy and happiness. I want to be happy. I want to be a better person. I want to make more money for my husband and my family. I want to be able to open my own business. I need the capital but how to get there??? How? I feel so stupid sometimes. We live once and I feel like I am wasting half of my life already. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I hate my life sometimes. Why can’t I be so smart like some people?? So smart they make millions.
Tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to say a prayer again to God just like how I do it every night. Except tonight I will honestly ask God to grant me a financial miracle to change my life. You know what? I believe God will bless me with a financial miracle.
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Christmas is almost here. I am so glad that I will not have to work on Christmas weekend. So glad. I do have to work from home this weekend but that is ok because I don’t actually have to sit at home all day.
My husband is working right now (at his part-time job). I miss him already.
This month is the last month I am taking birth control pills. Starting next week, I am stopping them. My husband and I are trying to conceive a baby. I am nervous. I hope everything will turn out okay. I have been taking my prenatal vitamin, folic acid and B12 vitamin (since I don’t eat meats) that my doctor prescribed me.
I have been looking for things for the baby. This always makes me happy. Knowing that next year my husband and I will have a baby. I am excited. I pray to Jesus and Virgin Mary that we will be blessed with a happy and healthy pregnancy. I pray so that I will carry a healthy and happy baby. I pray so that Jesus and Virgin Mary will bless me and my husband with a wonderful family.
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I am very happy today. We have decided to get pregnant!!! I am so excited. I know we don’t have much money saved up yet but I figured, we’d have at least 9 months to save and if we can save $1000 each month, that would be $9000 plus our current savings $4000 something. And then in March 2009, I should be getting a one-time bonus for about $13,000. So when the baby is born, we should have more than $20,000 saved. Aside from this, I know my parents are probably going to send me money for the baby as well. I am not going to count that now.
I am so happy. We will start trying in the coming weeks. I cannot wait to be pregnant and to be able to hold the baby. My husband is very excited to try as well.
Starting tomorrow, we’re going to get the house ready for the pregnancy. We will start cleaning up our future baby;s room. And I would like to tidy up the family room as well so that when I am pregnant, I have a nice space to relax.
Tomorrow at church, I am going to pray to the Blessed Mother Mary so that she will grant me a happy and healthy pregnancy. I am also hoping that she will also help me to find a way for me to financially afford to quit my job. I would like to quit my job after the baby is born. I would like to spend time with the baby. I want to watch it grow.
I guess now my husband and I will have to start saving our money for the baby. I was looking at target.com for baby items and everything costs so much. I am thinking we should get some stuff from the second hand shops to save money. I wouldn’t mind buying a gently-used clothings for the baby as long as they are descent looking. I have been buying lots of baby toys and baby books. I want to read to my baby a lot. I cannot wait. We are lucky our master bedroom is quite large. Perhaps we could put the baby’s crib in our room for the first few months.
I am just so excited right now. I hope I get pregnant soon. Then when we go back home in my country, I can share the good news with my families. Very exciting.
I cannot wait!!!! Starting tomorrow, my husband and I will need to start building the nest for the baby. Save as much money and enjoy the process I guess.
Please pray for me so that I will have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
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I cleaned up my locker and my work desk today. I brought home personal items I had on my desk. Some people asked me why I cleaned up. I told them I just felt like it.
I had headache almost all day at work. Just thinking that I have to go back there tomorrow hurts my heart. I hate that place so much.
I daydreamed about quiting my job today. It felt good. When I walked out of the door, I imagined that was my last one.
Why don’t I have the courage to do it? Why don’t I have the strength?
I hate myself sometimes. And I hate that my husband can’t help me. He does not make that much and I hate that. I hate that I have to drag myself going to work that I hate so much. It is poisoning my life. I hate it so much.
I hope God will find me a way. I hope God will hear my prayers. Millions prayers that I say every day.
Sometimes I just wished I could just quit and stay at home for a month or two while figuring out my next chapter in life.
I wish I could just stay at home and have babies.
I wish God would answer my prayers now. That would be the best Christmas present ever.
I wish my husband would tell me, ok you can quit your job we can afford it.
I wish God would grant me a miracle.
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Monday was the Immaculate Conception feast day. I went to church at noon and it was packed. I had to sit all the way in the back. I was glad to make it. It was my first Immaculate Conception feast day mass. I said prayers and thanksgiving to Jesus, the Blessed Virgin Mary, and all the saints.
There was something that the priest said on Monday’s mass that stuck in my head. He said, nothing is impossible with God.
I did not go to church on Tuesday. I went today at noon. It was very peaceful. Today, the priest reminded us about the strength of the Memorare prayer.
I happen to pray the Memorare prayer a lot. Every day I say that prayer in fact.
~~~
Today was not a so-good day at work. I have been complaining about my workplace a lot on this blog if you notice. My group is a dysfunctional group. I have a manager, about 40 something and single, who likes for us to stay with him late at work. Well, most of us have families at home and we can’t stay at work for 10 – 12 hours a day. We have a family at home waiting for us. For him, no one is at home waiting for him so time is no issue. He can go home whenever he wants to. Then there are couple people do not like the manager and they are not afraid to walk all over him. Yet the manager can’t or don’t want to do anything. And to make things worse, most people are negative thinking. They are dragging everyone down to the hole. I can tell you, I try so hard to fuel in positive energy to the group. And I am starting to wear out. I really, really, really want to quit my job. I want it so bad I pray every day and evey night hoping for a miracle. I don’t know. Something please to happen so I can afford to quit my job. I don’t want to work in a toxic environment. Those people are negative and I do not want to spend almost half of my day with them. It is poisoning my life. I am begging and begging and begging to Lord Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin Mary to please grant me a miracle so I can just financially afford to quit my job.
I am so frustrated.
I want to quit my job but I make more money than my husband does and it makes it harder for me to quit. I just want to cry sometimes. Because I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I really really want to quit. I really do. But if I quit I don’t know how we survive financially. We’ll be okay for 3 – 6 months but I don’t know what else to do after that.
I pray every day and every night. When I am awake, at home or at work, I say prayers. Constantly. Sometimes the prayers would make me feel better at work.
I often cry at night. After I pray. I don’t know what else to do. I have some ideas of what I want to do for myself but I need capital/money for that and I don’t have that right now. Which means, I’d have to save for a long while and in this current economy this most likely means to stay at my current job, that I hate so much.
I don’t know if anyone else know how I feel. My work life is miserable. I don’t know how many more days I can go on. I pray so hard in the morning before I go to work hoping for a miracle.
I feel like I am on a deadend. I can’t do nothing about this. Like I have no choice. Often time, I ask myself why do I have to stay at my current job? I wish so much I could tell my boss I quit tomorrow. I wish. This is the one wish I want God to grant me. I want this to be my Christmas miracle. I want this to be my Christmas gift to me from whoever. I want this so bad. All I want is to be able to financially afford to quit my job. I wish my husband was making more than me. I wish I didn’t have to think so hard about this. I have so many other wishes but only this wish I want more than other wishes I have. And I don’t know how to convince God that. Aren’t my prayers mean something?
I wish I could scream so loud for the whole world to know how I feel right now. I hate my job. I want to quit. But I cannot afford it. My husband is not making enough money to afford both of us. And I feel so stuck. Stuck in my work place. A place I have to visit everyday. Five days a week. Eight hours a day. I don’t know for how many more days I have to wait. I know sooner or later God will have to answer my prayer and find me a way.
I wish I could open my chest for everyone to see how much it hurts in there to be at work feeling miserable eight hours a day or sometimes more. To pretend that I want to be there when I wish with all my heart I was somewhere else. To fake a smile on my face greeting everyone else. To force myself to think positive when the rest of the group is drowning me down in negativities.
There were millions moments where I had wished I won the lotto. There was not a second where I wasn’t imagining myself telling my boss that the day after tomorrow would be my last day. And when none of that happened, I’d tell myself, there is another day. And I take the day one at a time. I thought things would get better. But it is not. And it hurts me more.
Then I pray some. For a miracle. Something to happen. But it hasn’t happened. Then I cry. But that does not do anything. Then I pray some more. To make me feel better.
I believe in God. I believe in Mary. I believe in Jesus. And I believe in miracle.
You may not believe me but I know with all my heart, a miracle will come to me soon. And when that happens, I will send millions thanksgiving prayers to God and Mary and Jesus and all the saints who help me.
And then everyone will tell me you’re a … one lucky girl.
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Hail Mary full of grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed are thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of god, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen
Tonight I want to say my thanksgiving to Jesus and the Blessed Virgin Mary for giving me strength and patience at work for the last 2 days. I felt that I was being tested and only through God’s presence in my heart I was able to get through the last 2 days easily. I am so blessed indeed. I could have said I quit but I did not. I felt so strong at work. I held my patience. Prayed a lot and I made it. I could not possible made it without the blessings from Jesus and Virgin Mary.
Tomorrow is a new day. I will face it with bravery. Like I said yesterday, there is nothing I cannot do with God by my side.
Tonight my husband is working at his part time job again. He is switching with someone from work so he does not have to work this Thursday as he was scheduled before. I will have tomorrow through Saturday to spend with him. Yay. I am so happy. Tomorrow is the apologetic class at church. I plan to attend. I love learning new things.
I wanted to go to church today to attend mass but I couldn’t since everyone left for lunch at the same time and there is always have to be someone there to watch the desk. So I stayed. I spent my lunch hour at the cafetaria downstairs to read the Bible and to pray. It was very calming and comforting.
I am going to go to bed early tonight so I can wake up refreshed and happy.
I want to be a happy person. I deserve it.
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I had my work review today. I just started my new position almost 4 months ago so my boss couldn’t really review my work. I asked if he had any problems with me, he said no; I said ok. I asked what he liked about me (work wise) and he said my willingness to work with others even when not asked and my attitude; I said fair enough. I signed the paperwork and I went back to my desk. Before I left, my boss said to me, he never reviewed someone that fast and he said that usually he would have to talk long and short with whoever he was reviewing. I said to him, I like to keep it simple and if he had any problems with me, I asked him to talk to me directly.
Today was so bland at work. I had the time to go to church to attend the Novena mass but to my dissapointment, there was no Novena mass today???? They only had the regular daily mass. I stayed anyway. And at the end of mass, I prayed the Novena to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I prayed so much. I prayed so hard. I meant every word I said at church today. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed. I begged and begged and begged for a miracle to come to my life. I felt so much better for that whole hour I was at church. How I wish every minute of my life I could feel like that.
My husband is working at his part-time job tonight. I miss him so much. I had dinner by myself. And then I baked brownies. I watched an old movie by myself. I felt so lonely tonight. Sigh.
What is it that I want in life? What do I want? I don’t want a fancy life. I want a simple life. I want to do something I love or I enjoy then at the end of the day I can go home to my family–happy and content. I want to take care of my husband and my kids–someday. I want to have time for my husband. I want be happy. I want a simple life. I want to make money enough to pay the bills and have a little fun. I don’t need million dollars in the bank. Money won’t make me happy. I want the happy life. I want it so bad. I don’t want to go to work worrying about my happiness. I hate my job. I hate it so much. I want to quit but I cannot afford it and everyday I am dreading it and it makes my head hurts and my heart beats so fast just thinking about it. I hate it so much and God knows that. I tell God every night. I ask and pray for strength and each day I pass it I feel relieved because for that one day God has given me strength to face it. I am thankful for that. I heard at mass once long time ago, as long as I have God by my side, there is nothing I cannot do.
A good friend of mine from work was being let go a week ago. Actually the company bought him out. They gave him a severance package. He has few more years until retirement so I am not sure if the company gave him his retirement or not. He had been with the company for 10 years. I wish they would bought me out. Just give me a year or two worth of my salary and I’d be a happy camper. I’d pay off everything and the house and I’d work part time somewhere I like for the rest of my life. I think that would make me happy.
Life is a mistery isn’t it? You never know what tomorrow will bring you. But always hope for the best. I know I complain a lot about my work but trust me, I am so thankful for everything else in my life. I have a wonderful husband, I have wonderful pets, I have a house, I have good friends and families. I have my health. I have my mind. I have some savings in the bank. I am able to donate to those who are less fortunate. I am able to think. I am able to walk. I have a car. I can feel. I have my legs. I have everything I need in this world. My life is beautiful regardless my work condition. I love everything else in my life except my job. But you know what? I won’t let it make me feel down–hard to believe right??? Sure I feel down sometimes thinking about my job but then I think about something else that makes me happy. Like Jesus, or Virgin Mary, or the church, or God’s words, or my husband, my families, my friends, all the happy moments I had experienced in my life, my dreams…. then I don’t feel so bad anymore. I am thankful that I have my job to provide me with money so I can pay the bills and pay for foods for us and the pets. The money I earn from work has enabled me to buy foods for others who are less fortunate; I have been able to send money to charities. All is that because of the job I hate so much.
Lord have mercy on me. I hope Lord Jesus would forgive me for ranting about my job. He loves me I know and he would not let me suffer. I know He will help me to get through this. I will keep on asking the Lord to please find me a way so I can financially afford to quit my job. I hope the good Lord would find me something else to do. I don’t care about the money. I just need to be doing something I enjoy the most.
Recently, I thought about doing some missionary works in other countries. My husband thought I was kidding when I told him that. He asked me, what are we going to do with the dogs? Mind you, we have 6 dogs in the house (2 bigs and 4 small). I said to him, God will find us a way to take care of that. I seriously want to do missionary works. I want to tell others about God’s love. I want to spread that joy. Attending mass makes me happy. It takes away all my worries and sadness. I feel loved when I pray to God. I want to share that happiness. Not long ago, I was not religious at all. Few months ago, I could careless about God and now look at me. I attend mass regularly–sometimes 3 – 4 times a week. I attend religious classes. I read the Bible. I pray to the saints and Jesus and Virgin Mary. I am a true believer. God and the Blessed Virgin Mary have helped me SO much in my life for the last few months it is enough to convince me that God loves me. He will stand right beside me; holding my hands. Nothing I cannot face tomorrow.
May God pour His eternal blessings in your life always. Remember, when sadness and worriness creeps in your heart, pray and you will feel better.
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