Oh the joy of being pregnant…
I have been feeling nauseous for hours. I ate something light. It stopped. But soon as I finished eating, I began feeling nauseous again.
I haven’t been feeling active at all. My husband is at the jazz festival right now. By himself. While I am sitting home alone–well, with my 6 dogs.
I feel like eating cookies. Jelly-filled butter cookies. Yum.
We went to the fresh market today. I bought 2 pints of sweet strawberries and 1 pint of peaches. The strawberries were so good and sweet. The peaches are not ripe enough so I have to wait for about 2 – 3 days to eat them, which is fine with me.
I am hungry. Just a bit. I don’t know what I want to eat though. So annoying. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to eat/drink but other times, I have no clue of what I want to eat. I wonder if other pregnant women out there are feeling like this too?
If there is one thing, just one thing, I wish I could do right now is to be able to quit my job and to afford it. I don’t need a million dollar to quit my job. I don’t even need half of that. Not a quarter. I just want to be at peace with the decision of quiting my job.
I have no drive to work at my work place. I have no desire. I was not like this before. My job has become something I dread so much. My coworkers are people from hell. My boss is a joke. My department, as a whole, is like the red headed bastard child of the company. Whenever we have a group meeting (just my department, which only has 6 people including me), it always ends up being a pity party for everyone but me. My boss has the best knacks of turning a group meeting into some kind of this-is-the-end-of-the-world moment. Dark and gloomy.
I just moved to my new department about 6 months ago. And there are a lot of times, when my coworkers would tell me something and I’d be on selective hearing mode. I’d nod my head and pretend I was listening when my mind was elsewhere. I never care. I don’t even know how I lasted this long. I know it sounds really bad but I just don’t care anymore. And I feel guilty because I know I can do so much better job if I do what I like to do.
Everyday I sit at my desk, staring at my computer, doing nothing. Thinking. About what I could have done with my life. And I’d feel warmth all over my cheeks but I don’t want to cry. I don’t want a pity party for myself–I’ve got enough doze of that from my department biweekly meeting.
Everyday, I’d compile ideas of what I would do, say, I won a lottery. Or if some strangers handed me lots of money or a business to start.
I am trying to distract myself from the doom and gloom of my work. I am taking golf classes and sewing classes at night. And then starting in February, I am going to take a series of Adobe classes–Photoshop, InDesign, Illustrator, etc. I am trying. So far, I have learned so much from my golf and sewing classes. I love it. You never know when a hobby will turn into a fun money-making activity. My goals this year are to be able to play descent golf, be good at sewing, and learn graphic design. Oh I am also starting an etsy shop. I am trying my best to distract myself from the bad things.
I envy those stay-at-home moms. I am jealous. I wish I could stay at home. I wish I could just do it somehow. I wish. Oh I wish. There was a time when I came home for lunch. I missed my dogs so much that day so I took a lunch break at home. When I got home, my dogs were soooo happy to see me. And when I left, they looked at me like, why do you have to leave? There was an unspoken language. Something. That moment alone almost made me cry. I drove back to work with some kind of burden on my chest. I couldn’t stop thinking about that hour at home. Then I prayed. For a miracle to happen. But it never happened that day.
Call me idiot, stupid, whatever but I do hope that one day I’d win the lotto or the powerball. I know the odds are slim to nothing but people have won them. So there’s always a chance. There’s always a possibility. And I am not giving up on that yet. And if I win, I promise myself, I am going to take a year off everything. I am going to dedicate that one year to be closer to God. I will help those who are unfortunate. I will spend my year doing nothing but volunteer works. For my church, for my animal rescue group, for my community. Anything I’d do it.
I know. I wish life was that easy.
Ugggh. A thought of my job crossed my mind and I hated it. I just hate it so much. Just thinking about it makes me sick. I get grumpy all the time when I am at home. I hate that. Then, when little thing happens, I’d be screaming and yelling and do all those crazy stuff. Like I just burst out into a moment of anger. Then a minute later, I’d regret it. What I have always wanted was to let out a scream to express my frustration with my job situation.
I hate what I do. Every day I think about quiting my job. I envision it in my head. How lovely that would be. I dream about it.
Why can’t I be like one of those famous people. Like Miley Cyrus. Sing a few song, act a little, make lots of money. No worries for the rest of my life.
Oh. I feel like I need to talk to a psychologist.
God, please help me.
I have almost 2 1/2 more hours to go until the new year. It is time to make changes in my life. Good changes that will bring more lucks, joy, happiness, fortunes, true friendship, health, and love. I am done with 2008. The new year will be so joyful. I am going to be a happier person in so many ways.
In January, I will be starting sewing classes. It is 6 weeks long and it costs $85 for the entire length of class. The class will start on January 15 I think. I will be done by the end of February. Why am I taking this class? Well, let me tell you something. I have been wanting to learn how to sew. I want to make pretty things for babies and for women who like to wear pretty things. I want to make baby blankies, diaper bags, changing pad, baby bags, or aprons for hot all the mamas out there. I want to make them and I want to sell them online. As of right now, I am looking at etsy.com as a place to sell them. I do have my own website, which sadly, I hardly use actually. I might get to use that soon enough. So. Now you know why I am taking sewing classes. I want to learn a new skill each year. In 2008, I learned cake decorating skill that I enjoyed learning.
Financially, I would like to earn more money. I want to do what I love. I want to find my passion. I really, really need to figure out what it is that I want to do. My plan is to open my own business. As of right now, I am not 100% so sure what it is going to be yet. In a fairy-tale-ending world, I would open a baby boutique. Something that is affordable for new mothers. I will carry handmade items. I want to sell pretty things that mothers and babies will adore.
Year 2009 is also the year my husband and I would like to have our first baby. I want a baby. My husband wants a baby. We want a baby. I am 100% sure we are ready emotionally. I know my husband will be a good dad.
I have so much I want to accomplish in 2009. I want to get a new house in 2009. I really want to. I want something a bit bigger for our pets and our future family!!!!!
Here’s a toast to a Happier New Year!!!!!!!!!!!
I really, really, really need some time to think about what I want to do with my life. Clearly, I have been complaining about my work too much and how much I hate it. Granted, I feel very lucky to even have a job right now in this economy but what good is a job if you are miserable at work every day. I am just dont know what to do right now. I would like to quit but cannot afford to do it. I would like to stay but I am so miserable at work everyday and every minute. I am tired of complaining everyday. And I hate that I cannot quit. Everyday all I do is dreading about coming to work. It is not good. I know that. My husband has been listening to my complains and he does not know what to do either.
I have been praying to God and asking for an answer. A sign. Something to tell. Something. Something at all. I haven’t gotten any signs from God yet. I go to church every Sunday and Monday. I pray the novenas. I say many, many prayers. No signs yet. I don’t know what else to do. I have opened my mind, my eyes, my ears, my heart, and my soul for God to tell me.
I simply don’t know what to do.
I am confused. I feel like I am blind and deaf and I have to cross the busy street. I want to scream to the world. Asking for direction. Asking for guidance. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I want to do something with my life.
I hate my job. Yes, this is the new position at work that I just started almost 4 months ago. My boss is clueless of what he is doing. He does not like 2 of the workers in our group and he mentioned it to me. He does not get along with one of the guys. It’s just weird. I don’t like it. Then, I have a mean trainer. She is so mean. The ironic thing is, I donated my 8-hour vacation time to her when she lost her mom in February. When she asked me to do things for her, she wouldn’t want to show me how to do it. When I make mistakes, she gets really mad. Oh and she is pregnant too now. So she wants everyone to care for her. I don’t really care that much though. She is so mean. I hope her kid will not be as mean as her.
Ok. Here I am complaining again. I don’t want to complain. I want to do something for myself. I want to have the gut. The gut to quit my job. I want to just do it. I want to. I have been wanting to do it. I wish I could do it. I wish I could just tell my boss that I am quiting. I wish God would let me win the lotto.
It’s really painful to go to work everyday. Dreading every minute of it. I hate it so much. I can’t stand working there. Everyday is a misery.
I don’t want to go back there on Monday. I want to quit my job. I really do.
But if I quit, I wouldn’t get my bonus in March next year. I would lose the health insurance. I would lose my salary. We have savings but I wonder how long that is going to last. I hate my job so much. And I don’t know why every position I get is like this. I don’t know why the people that I work with are so mean. I don’t know why.
I am just feeling frustrated right now. I wish I had my family here. My parents would have helped me in any way they can. I wish my husband was making way more money.
I hate my job. I don’t like my boss. I don’t feel comfortable working where I am right now. My job sucks. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it so much I can throw up right now just thinking about it.
Often time, I get so streesed out at work but I wouldn’t tell anyone. I’d spend my lunch hour sitting at the cafetaria in my building to read the Bible. And that usually calms me down. And I get really happy when I am home. But then the night comes, and before I go to bed I’d pray so that Jesus would help me to get through the next day. Then I get sad and I get all depressed thinking about coming to work the next day. I never want to think about it but I do all the time. When the morning comes, I get so mad thinking about coming to work. I am dreading it every single day. Often I ask myself, why am I doing this to myself? But I can’t find the asnwer yet.
I don’t want to come back there on Monday but I don’t know how. I don’t know how I can afford to just quit this job? I really don’t want to go back there on Monday. I really don’t. I need a miracle to happen. Only a miracle can stop me from coming to work on Monday. But how? how? how? how?
I have been saying countless novenas and been praying many many many prayers……………. I don’t want to give up. I know a miracle will happen. I want to believe it. I really do. I don’t want to go back to work on Monday. I really don’t. Please Jesus, do not let me go back to work on Monday. I will do whatever to not have to come back to work on Monday. Please please please. I don’t want to. I want to do something else. I want to do something else.
The holidays are coming. If I quit, we wouldn’t have money for the holidays. If I quit, we would be without health insurance. If I quit, I don’t know how we can afford to continue living. What am I going to do?????? Of course I am going to find another job but I want to do something I enjoy. Something I really want to do.
I want a sign. For God to tell me what to do. To give me guidance of what I need to be doing with my life. I am tired of going around trying every job there is out there. I want to do what I enjoy doing. I don’t want to waste my life.
My husband is going to help his grandma to move her stuff to New York. She has decided to move to NY. I think her families have requested her to move up there–where everyone (her sons) is pretty much. My husband’s grandma is going to live in a nursing home. She is almost 80 years old I think.
My husband’s dad called him today to find out about grandma’s moving plan. And he mentioned something about my husband’s aunt plan on moving to NY as well. She lives in our state but different city; about 45 minutes from where we live.
My husband’s families have always been asking my husband to move to NY.
I thought about it. I did like the idea. But then something struck me. How the heck are we going to haul all our pets? And how are we going to afford a house in NY? If I move to NY, I am not about to live in the boonies. No way. If I move to the city, I want to live in the city.
We are in a debt reduction mode and we just talked about a plan to eliminate all debts–mortgage included–by year 2015. We owe $145,000 on our mortgage. With our current plan, it is highly possible to eliminate that by 2015–and we will still be able to save my bonuses and both of our raises.
Where in NY will I find a job that gets me $100,000/year? Just for me. And as for my husband, I would very much like him to make way more than me. Ok, how about $150,000/year? Then it would be very possible for us to afford a house in the $500,000 – $750,000 somewhere close to the city in NY. But if no one can guarantee these salaries then forget it. Forget about living in the city. I am happy and very content living in the smaller city where we make over $100,000/year and we live on one salary—and!! and!! with our current plan, we should be able to retire with millions before we hit 60!!! How awesome is that.
I love where we live right now. We live so close to work–mine is only 5 minutes drive. We make good salaries. We own a house–that will be paid off in year 2015. The weather is nice all year round–no snow, no sleets, nothing crazy. The beach is only 20 – 30 minutes away. We are surrounded by water. It’s super. I love it here. I really do. The one thing I absolutely love about this place is that it is so laid back here. I don’t have to worry about catching up the subway or bus. I can park my car where ever I want. I can go the groceries whenever I want. I don’t have to be on anyone’s schedules. Everyone is nice and warm. I just love it here.
I love New York–to visit. I adore New York–for its glamorous life. However, the place where I am now is where I belong until I am ready to retire. I am not moving to New York. By that time, I will be moving to Savannah, Georgia–where I can sit back and relax in one of their pocket parks.
I will not surprise if Compass Bank is declaring bankruptcy soon.
Their customer service people (even their branch manager) cannot keep ONE promise to me. So, I closed my account today. Do I have a new bank set up? No. Do I worry? No. In today’s economy I am sure there are many other banks who will be more than happy to have me as one of their customers.
I have been asking my coworkers about who they bank with. I have a broad answer. I am still not sure who I want to bank with.
I might go with Wachovia. Just because they have many branches in town. I just have to go to one of their branches to ask questions tomorrow. I already made up a list of questions to ask them.
Anyways. I am happy now that I do not bank with Compass bank anymore. I feel quite relieved actually. Their customer service sucks really bad. I would NEVER recommend Compass bank to any living beings. Ever.
I am still not in a good mood today. I don’t know why. The weather was gloomy. Someone stole our cat food (that we left outside to feed the stray cats). What is going on in this world? Oh and I got slapped with 4 more overdraft charges although I have not done any financial transactions involving my debit card since last week. I am closing my account tomorrow. I am tired of this. The idiot at Compass bank who I talked to on the weekend lied to me. He did not refund the overdraft charges from last week. That was my last straw. If he could not keep his promise, how could I trust the bank in general???? I hate Compass Bank. I have asked my payroll person to stop my direct deposit to my bank so this Friday I am getting an actual check until I have a new bank account. So, now I am shopping for a new bank. I am thinking Wachovia just because one of its branches is close to where I work and there is actually one branch in my neighborhood as well.
I am hungry but don’t know what to eat. I have been so lazy cooking lately. I wish my husband knew how to cook that would be nice. I am tired today.
I hate my job. I guess it is nice to have a job in this current economy. As crazy as it sounds I want to win the lottery. I want to be able to go to church every morning at 7.30. And help with the church. Volunteer everyday at different places. Build a no-kill animal sanctuary. Pay off my debts. Pay off my house. Buy the house accross the street. Donate this house to a family that needs it. Travel to my home country. Buy my mom diamonds and jewelries. Pay for my sister’s wedding. Send her to honeymoon around the world. Open my own grocery store. Organic grocery store with a bakery inside and a little book shop. Spend time with my dogs.
Ugghhh. I cannot wait for this workweek to end. I am just so sick of this week. It has been a bad week from day 1.
I guess I am going to eat something now.
My husband really wants a baby. There is no way stopping him now.
I am kind of in the middle. I do want a baby but if I can wait, I’d do it later. I am 30 years old. My husband is 28.
I thought we were going to wait until we pay off our CC debts and completely finish our house. But I guess this will take us a while. I am hoping to have the baby in 2010. That would be the ideal situation. This will give us more than $5000 in our HSA account. And if we save my bonuses (2009 + 2010), we should have about $20,000. Not to mention if we save 2008 + 2009 my husband’s part time job income. We should get about another $10,000 for those 2 years.
If we are trying this year, we’ll have the baby in 2009. This means, less money saved. If we start early 2009, baby will arrive in late 2009. This equals $10,000 (my bonus) + $5000 (my husband’s part time job) = $15,000 saved possibly by the end of the year. If we start in mid 2009 and baby born in 2010, that would be perfect. Or at least better timing.
I know for a while I thought I wanted the baby more than anything but now I feel I am going backward. I am just very nervous. I am nervous about our money not being enough before the baby is born. Just today, I talked to one of my coworkers who has 2 kids under 4. She said she pays $320 a week for daycare for her 2 babies. I was like WHOAAAAA. That’s like our mortgage payment!!!!!!!!!! holly cow.
Today, I did ask my HR about the company’s maternity leave policy. I am not sure when my husband wants to start the baby. He does not say. He keeps on mentioning the baby. I hope he is just going through a phase. I’ll see if he still wants it by the end of the month because I don’t mind if we don’t have one at all.
Tonight, we are going to sit down and look at our budget and talk about everything else.
Will write again tomorrow.
