Pretty much my dream of staying home with the baby after she is born is flushed down the toilet. My husband’s can’t afford to support all of us. He prefers to stay at his current job at the expense of–pretty much–my sanity. And this means I have to go back to work and try to not go, literally, insane.

There are days when I am just so stressed out coming home from work, I don’t know if my life is even worth it anymore. To get up every morning to go to that sinkhole and pretend to enjoy what I do. Some days I feel like I’d rather stab myself in the chest than going to work.

I wish that my husband would find a better paying job. To take care of everything. Some days I’d wish I was fired from work. Some days I’d wish I’d get hit by a bus and died on the spot. Some days I’d feel so overwhelmed–felt like I was drowning.

I really don’t want to go back to work after the baby is born. I wish I had never been in this situation. I wish I was smarter in choosing a husband. I swear, I’d tell my daughter to marry someone rich who would take care of her. I don’t care if people would call us materialistics; come on face it, we all need money. I don’t need those crappy comments telling me life isn’t about money. Oh buhumbug. Yes I’ve seen more happy rich people than happy poor people in my life. So shut your pie hole.

I hate my life. I wish I was dead sometimes.

Today, I signed up for “Creating Web pages” class at a local community college. It is an online class that runs for 6 weeks. I paid $89 for it. Lessons are given twice a week –every Wednesday and Friday. Tomorrow is my first “day” and then on Friday, they said that I should be able to see my very first webpage of my creation!! WOW. Ok. So clearly I am very, very excited. I probably won’t be able to practise till Saturday since I have a volunteering to do this Friday from 5 – 9 (right after work). But it’s ok. I am still excited. My goal is to be able to create my very own pretty website.  I figured, I’d learn something. It’s better than nothing.

I am so so so so very excited!!!!!!!

I am so very excited to say that my husband is finally working on my craftroom again!!! YAY. I cannot wait. I want the craftroom to be done soon. It will be my office/craftroom. Tomorrow we are going to the flooring shop to buy bamboo floors. We might just buy what we need for the craftroom first for now.

We are also in the midst of remodeling our bathroom and kitchen downstairs. The kitchen has got to be renovated soon. I want to get it done before our baby is born.

I am so very excited. Also, I did the budget last night and found out that we’re way ahead in paying my husband’s and my car’s payments. For his car, we dont have any payments due until January 10. And for my car, we don’t have anything due until Dec 23. So that means, we’d have $1000 we could allocate to do something else and we have chosen to use the $1000 to add to the fund the kitchen remodeling project.

Some volunteer organizations dissapoint me. BBBS is one of them. Today, we closed the match and the only thing I got from the match specialist was an email with one sentence: we closed the match today. That was it. There was no thank you; no nothing else. WOW. This is what I get for volunteering with them for almost 5 years.

Now I don’t feel sorry for ending it. But you know what though, I think this particular match specialist is..umm.. what do you call it… not friendly!!!!! at all. Very dissapointing.  The other match specialists I had in the past were so nice to me.

Anyways. No more spending money on craps anymore!!! Ending this activity will definitely saves me TONS of money each month.

The match specialist from bbbs emailed me today and told me that my little sister+her mom were upset about the news I told them last week. Eh I am not too worry about it. Bottom line is I can’t volunteer anymore–no time and money anymore. Things are tight nowadays. And after much calculations, I did spend a ridiculous amount of time and money for my little sister. With my salary cut, new business, being pregnant, and home renovation projects… I hardly have the time and money anymore. It sucks yes but it is not just for one party only. I am suffering too. You think I took it lightly when they cut my pay? Hell no. It was a shitty paycut and I was terribly upset of course. And I pray everynight for God to bring me some financial miracles but do they come overnight? No. So anyways. No more volunteering for me for a while. I want to focus on my life and my family’s life. Get things back in order again. Give myself more time to relax.

well… I think I am starting to nest right now….

All of the sudden all I wanted was to clean up the house, fix it up, and pretty it up. I started this morning by cleaning up the bathroom. Then I asked my husband to move all the stuff out of the bathroom. Then next thing we knew, we went to Home Depot + Lowe’s to get some stuff to fix up the bathroom–yes it still needs to be remodeled btw. So now we have this empty bathroom that is ready to be gutted out. I don’t know how much it would cost us to remodel the bathroom but that is the only thing we need to remodel in our upstairs living quarter. Once the bathroom is done, we are pretty much done with upstairs room.

Next, I am going to ask my husband to hurry and finish the laundry room downstairs. I want to paint it cheery yellow. Would look very nice. I am excited. He actually has been working on it for few weeks now –here and there– and he said he should be done pretty soon.

Then next project is my craft room and kitchen. I am hoping we could afford to do both at the same time. Might cost us a bit of money but those 2 rooms are pretty much the only 2 rooms in our downstairs living quarter that need a major overhaul—especially the kitchen. It would need major–major–overhaul.  We’ll be doing it slowly I am sure but I am thinking before the baby is born, I’d like to have the kitchen done. Hopefully–fingers crossed–we’d have the house pretty up before the baby is born next year in January

I am very excited

Well. I finally told my little sister (from BBBS) that I wouldn’t be able to volunteer for her anymore. I am not sure how she felt–she is only 11. I don’t want to think she was sad. Although from the tone of her voice, she kinda didn’t like it when I broke her the news. Ididn’t go into much details of the reasonings behind it. I just told her that time is very limited nowaways for me–plus I am pregnant. I am on my last 2 months of pregnancy and I do not want to stress myself out with time management. I just want to relax. Plus, I need to really prepare for the baby emotionally and financially. I am too tired right now to do anything else but for myself. Oh well. I am sure my little sister will find someone else.

Also tonight, I wrote a letter for the agency where we are sponsoring the little boy from Guatemala telling them that we wouldn’t be able to sponsor the boy any longer.

Next year, I will not be volunteering with the other volunteer organization–the last one; the one that costs A LOT of money.  And that would be it. I am going to take a break from my busy schedule. I want to enjoy my time with my  baby and my husband. I’ll help at my neighborhood’s animal rescue but I think that’s about it. Maybe volunteer here and there at other places but I’d limit that too. From now on, I need to prioritize myself, my husband, and my baby.

I have been a volunteer for various organizations for years. One of them is the BBBS. I have been doing that for almost 5 years but sadly tonight I had to tell her I wouldn’t be able to volunteer anymore. Blame it on the bad economy.

My salary was cut by almost 30% few months ago. While we’re not suffering too, too, bad, we do need to buckle up our spending. On top of that I am currently expecting (7 months now). So, really, not a good time to take a paycut.

And not sure why but usually BBBS is pretty good about matching you up with someone who lives close by. In my case, my little sister lives on the other side of town. So that means, whenever I have to come pick her up, I have to make quite some drive time (more $ on gas). Then, most activities are NOT free. The library and the beach are free but they are faaaaaaaar, which translates to… more money spent on gas. Then there is food. Do this almost 3 times a month and that will really make a dent on your budget.

See, things like that I didn’t feel when my salary was 30% more than what I am getting today. I was fine. I’d pick her up almost every weekend to do fun stuff–roller skating, ice cream, movies, museums, etc. But now…. umm… I really can’t afford it.

I know I sound like the Grinch right now but I am just telling the truth. In average, I could spend  between $30 – 40 per outing. Times 3, so about between $90 – 120 dollars a month. That’s a lot when you are watching every penny you spend.

The other bad news is I have to stop my sponsorhip to this one boy from Guatemala. For this one, we have been sending $30/month. The ironic thing is that we just got our first letter from him last week I really, really hate to do this but I have to. There is no room in our budget to spend $150 extra per month.

I think volunteering is a great thing but I am afraid until my household’s economy is fixed, I wouldn’t be able to volunteer with organization where I have to shell out some money Sad but this is tough economy we’re facing right  now.

I applaud all volunteers out there. Those who sacrifice time and money for others. Hats off to you!!!

It’s Friday and my husband is working at his part-time job again until 1AM. I am here with the dogs. The night is so quiet. They said on tv the weather should be cooling off tomorrow. I guess it’ll be nice. I like my warm weather.

Soon it’ll be Halloween. The end of the month. I am looking forward to giving kids some candies. I should have about $20 – 25 budgeted for candies. I will open the door from 6 – 9.30PM. I am so excited for Halloween. Where I grew up at, we  never celebrated Halloween. It’s a cultural thing I believe. My husband is probably going to dress up again–as always; every year.

I am entering my 7th month of pregnancy now. My baby is moving a lot. She is so active. I cannot wait to meet her. Last night, my husband placed his hands on my tummy and we saw the baby moved from inside. We gigled together. We saw my tummy moving around. I love seeing my baby moves inside my tummy. I still can’t believe I am carrying a live baby inside me. I am nurturing a little baby to be introduced to the world.  Ok she just kicked me! Just now. I cannot wait to see my little baby for the first time. I wonder what date she is going to arrive. I wonder what time. I wonder what day. I wonder if she’ll look like me or my husband. I wonder so many things about her.  I wish I could stay at home forever with her. Watching her grow. Teaching her humanity. Preparing her for the world.

Few weeks ago I had a dream about moving out. And I remember the feeling. I was so happy. For some reason, it was a good moving. I wasn’t sad. I was really happy. In reality, unless we win the lottery, it does not seem like we’re going anywhere for a while.

Ok. I need to do some sewings. I need to sell some stuff on my etsy shop. Need to make some money.

Lord please help me. Grant me a financial miracle.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.